Yikes!

We've been back from our NW trip for a few days.  The dogs are back, the puppy has already soiled the rug and I feel the stress of our everyday lives slowly creeping back into my shoulders which are inching their way back up around my ears.  After five days in a quite little house in SE Portland we've realized that our street is very loud and that our lives are very hectic.

We left for our trip riding a epic wave of stress. On the drive we talked a lot about simplifying our lives. At the Applebee's in Medford, OR simplicity didn't seem so great.  If leading a simple life means going to my neighborhood Applebee's for drinks on a Friday night, I'll figure out how to make complicated work.

Portland, however, was something different.  Our friends are renting a house that could eat ours for $1100 a month.  Food is cheap, good and the food carts, oh the food carts!  Not once did I feel dumpy, dowdy or horribly out of fashion.  It was really freakin' comfortable.

Then I thought about our current lives, our future lives, living in NYC, figuring out what we're going to do with our house when we move, how we're going to pay our property taxes and I felt scared.  Really scared.  Panic-y almost.

Are we doing the right thing?  We are hoping to make our lives work in the one place that could possibly prove more complex.

I don't really want to move to Portland.  I really want to move to NYC, but I don't want to move to NYC and flounder.  I want to move to NYC and kick some ass!!!!  Realize my dreams.  Finally feel like I'm doing the right thing.

Not quite ready to embark on the journey,
Elsie

Focus People

Help.  This is our list of things that we considered vital to accomplish before trying to get pregnant; thus making us "move ready".  In other words, important shit.  

The stuff in black is the original list that was created back in August. It mostly reflects things associated with getting our house in shape to rent and reducing our clutter.  The current status of each line item is in red. 

• finish border around tree in front yard  (OMG, a task completed.)
• mulch yard (I started on this, but grossly underestimated the amount of mulch we'd need.  Haven't been back to the nursery to get more.)
• backyard - weed and add border to flower beds (I got the river rocks - all 600 pounds of them - and even laid out where they will go, but haven't actually dug anything.)
• find new home for slide/teeter totter  (Friends said that they would take it, but yet, they are still in our yard. Going to e-mail them right now.)
• repair BBQ (Ha!)
• Drip watering system for container plants (I toyed around with some 2 liter bottles and quickly lost interest.)
  
• new plantings for empty pots (We've got the potting soil, and I got the Japanese maple and flowering maple planted. Three pots to go.)  

Garage

• photograph items to sell
• place ads on Craigslist (Got the first round out, but there is still so much random junk that is just too overwhelming.)
  
• donations (Took a trunk load of stuff, but I'm sure that there is more.)
  
• make any repairs necessary
• reduce, reduce, reduce (I'm trying, I'm trying.)
  

Office

• shred old files (These are starting to accumulate, but that's about it.)
• consolidate bills into one filing system
• purchase filing cabinet  (Purchased and assembled by Wifey in 29 minutes. Yes, we timed it.)
  

Living Areas

• continue to purge
• bookshelf -cover books that we're keeping
  
• paint  (Wifey was inspired one morning and painted three walls on-the-fly. While a definite improvement, we still have to finish.)
  
  I feel like a loser.  We've fully completed two tasks.  Two!!!!  How are we going to move?  Are we trying to sabotage our efforts to move?  Are we not ready to make the necessary sacrifices to do this?  We're going on a week long road trip next week, should we stay home and clean instead?  How do you maintain focus in a life that you're trying to escape because it's, well, too complicated.  How do you motivate yourself to expend extra energy when you're so fucking depressed all the time?  When your job is a joy-drainer?  When you're constantly worried about money? 
  
  AAAAAAAGGH! Maybe we should be moving to Duluth instead of New York. 
  
  Please, someone tell me how to do this. 
  
  Sitting a little puddle of doubt and self-pity,
  Elsie
  

Project Updates

Project #2, the CD situation, is a wrap.  Ta-Da!!!

I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, that I have no right to feel so proud of my accomplishment, but I will take my pride where I can get it.

I am proud, proud, proud, I am proud!

It is done.  The assigned task has been seen to completion.  I engaged in adult conversation with my partner to rationally discuss how we approach a shared situation.  I say that it doesn't matter that Wifey didn't really think it was that big of a deal in the first place, or that organizing our CD collection is not physically getting us one step closer to NYC, or that normal people just put their shit away on a regular basis and don't find themselves in this situation.  Whatever.  What matters is that I started this project and finished it.  Doors are closed.  Mind at ease.  So, maybe it's getting us closer to our goal after all!

Also, I have exciting news on Project #1, the garage....the refrigerator is gone!!!!  After two people flaked, and I exchanged e-mails with a half dozen others, Joel, lovely Joel with the big truck, came and took it away.  Every time I pass through the pantry I have to sneak a quick peek into the garage, just to look at the empty space.  It is so divine.

Ready to kick some ass,
Elsie

Projects, Projects, Projects!

I am quickly finding out that moving two moms, a 4 year-old, and two dogs across the country without anyone losing their mind, their favorite blanket or a tail is going to take a lot of work. Just the logistics are mind boggling, but throw in the whole 80's make it better scene and we are talking about a Kilimanjaro sized goal. Heck, maybe even a K2 or Everest sized goal - it's that big. And, just to make it all the more exciting, we're going to try to have another baby along the way as well!

Yep, you heard right. We're going move, find new jobs, revamp our wardrobes, get some therapy, write a book (me), become the next Annie Leiboviz (also me), record an album (wifey), get out of debt, take two road trips, get our house ready to rent and make a baby. Awesome! Because really, if you're not doing the impossible, what fun is life?

I realize that some of these things might not happen in six months, but (brace yourself, it's cliche time!) this one is going to be about the journey. Yikes, did I just say that?

Achieving these things is really important to me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about what I do, about my body, accepting my past, creating something beautiful and fulfilling, creating a beautiful family, but for such simple things, they are quite elusive. Maybe this isn't how it is for everyone, but I am getting too old to to keep hoping that one day I will just wake up and have fulfillment shine down upon me from high. It's time to do the work. Shit or get off the pot. Be the change you want to see in the world. Yadda, yadda, yadda,....it's time for action. Maybe by some miracle this all happens in six months, probably not, but I want my feet firmly planted in the right direction.

So action it is.

Phase One: The Home Front, or, how not to lose your frickin' mind when you can never, ever, ever, find anything.

Coming up tomorrow....the garage.

Peace, love and home organization,
Elsie

New York? Yes, please.

I don't know exactly when my love for the Bay Area began to wane. I've spent most of my adult life here and this area has seen me through some pretty big milestones - falling in love, getting married, establishing a career,having a kid and buying a house. It seems that most people, normal people, would, at this point in their lives, thank their lucky stars for the good fortune to have achieved those things, sit back and enjoy life a little.

Me? No way. I've got an itch that only New York can scratch and I'm giving myself six months to get there.

Of course, this move is much less about the change in physical location (although I dream in brownstone) and more about the possibility of creating a better, more authentic me that will be a better partner, mother and friend. The problem facing me, however, is that I've moved, changed jobs, etc...but never really unloaded my baggage. I've rearranged nicely several times, but it's like one of those bushes that grow more vigorously when you prune it - take it out by the roots or you're screwed.

This time I'm ready to do the work. Old habits, however, die hard and I am hoping that sharing my journey will help me reach my destination. (Note to self: Step one in journey to fulfillment - articulate what you want to achieve. Outloud. Yes, someone might actually hear you and hold you to it.) See, we're learning already!

Giddy with anticipation,
Elsie